CONTROLLING THE EVIL OF ANGER IN MARRIAGE BY ISRAEL KASHIM AUDU

 CONTROLLING THE EVIL OF ANGER IN MARRIAGES BY ISRAEL KASHIM AUDU (FRIAR) 

 Anger is a normal emotion. It stems from feeling hurt, anxious, shame, or powerlessness. Although it’s a natural emotion, it is often seen as a problem, even evil, bad, or wrong. However, it’s important to remember that feeling anger is an internal experience.  How anger is expressed is an external issue that can affect others, including those who are close to us and who we love the most. Without control, anger can destroy our closest relationships. Sometimes financial crises, expectations, disagreement, infidelity, lack of trust and love. Etc influences problem in marriages.

Holding in Anger vs Lashing Out

Of course, some people never express anger at all and hold it in. It’s a short-term strategy that doesn’t work for very long. That’s because, when someone holds in all their emotion and doesn’t express it appropriately, it will eventually bubble up and turn into “last straw” experiences. Then, it is explosively and inappropriately let out. Sometimes those who’ve experienced an angry or abusive parent can follow this ineffective approach. As a child, one who learned to keep their anger inside in order to avoid the wrath of that parent. Of course, this can lead to a host of problems as an adult that are just as serious. The key to remember in both cases is that there are productive and destructive ways to express anger and all negative emotions.

Helping vs. Hurting Relationships

When we attack or yell at our partner constantly we are slowly destroying our relationship. No one likes being attacked, physically or verbally. Using anger as a way of attacking our partner only leads to them feeling:

Less physically and emotionally safe.

More reluctant to be vulnerable and open.

Less likely to trust their partner.

However, when we express anger productively without attacking our partner, those emotions can actually contribute to having a productive dialogue. 

Research into Anger and Relationships

The Gottman Institute in Seattle, WA has done research on the topic of anger and relationships. They investigated what happens when couples get really worked up and angry with each other.

They discovered when you are angry enough- which they define as emotion that causes your heart rate to rise above 100 beats per minute –   (they refer to this as being emotionally flooded) – you cannot process information effectively. Being emotionally flooded means you become so overwhelmed with your feelings that you simply can’t process everything around you. You become less able to look at things objectively and make good decisions. I tell couples that when you are emotionally flooded you can easily express (usually yell) your side of the argument, but you can’t understand them. It’s as if they are speaking a foreign language.  

When this happens there is that breakdown in communication that damages or destroys relationships. Yet there are ways that couples can calm down and self-soothe to ensure their anger doesn’t become destructive.

Ideas to Avoid Uncontrolled Anger

Couples who struggle with anger have several options available to keep things under control. These include:

Rescheduling the argument for another time. Being specific when picking out a day or time.  The sooner the better, if possible.

Learn to be more mindful and aware of your emotional state.

If you get too upset, don’t continue. Go back to step 1 and reschedule! Keep things from getting too heated. Otherwise, it becomes impossible to take back things you regret saying or doing.

Learn self-management and emotional soothing strategies. Besides mindfulness, learn relaxation techniques, listening skills, and being able to see things from the other person’s perspective.

If you or your partner is still struggling with anger that negatively impacts your relationship, then you need to see a therapist and possibly participate in an anger management program.

Although anger is a natural, human emotion, it can be the source of a lot of pain and anguish in relationships. All too often anger when left unchecked leads to hurt feelings, a lack of understanding, and in the worst cases physical and emotional harm. Yet, it doesn’t have to be that way!

By learning some simple coping strategies combined with therapy, couples can experience anger without having to act on those rage-filled feelings. This means less destructive relationships and better communication between partners.

In conclusion,

When we give ourselves over to fully venting our anger, we expose ourselves to thinking, speaking, and acting in quite a foolish manner. Instead, take a timeout. Breathe. As soon as you become aware of your anger, take some intentional steps to slow down and stay engaged with your spouse in a way that promotes the successful conflict resolution.

The urge to get payback for wrongs committed against us can feel quite natural. It is difficult to drop the charges and allow the perpetrator to go free. When it comes to conflict resolution in marriage, however, God’s people are encouraged to let go of the impulse for revenge and to turn the conflict over to God.

Allow God to work on your spouse’s heart and allow Him to fight on your behalf. Often it is our woundedness that is driving our conflict with each other. God works at the level of the heart and only He can bring about the conflict resolution and healing that many of us (and our spouses) really need. Accentuate the positive and alleviate the negative, The reality is that our behavior is not dependent on the behavior of someone else. When things get tense between you and your spouse, you have the freedom to choose your own response. You can choose to repay meanness with kindness and rudeness with gentleness. Unless you see a sign of life and death or it is in your marriage then take a break (not divorce) and if not it can be managed.

Making allowance for human imperfections is the foundation for the conflict resolution and intimacy your relationship needs in order to thrive. When someone knows about our flaws and warts, then they really know us, and they can really love us. Sharing and accepting our faults is the foundation of love.

Are you concerned about resolving conflict in your own relationship? Have you been wrestling with tension over harmful, frustrating, or even toxic patterns of conflict with your partner?

If you (or your partner) are experiencing some frustration or confusion over this issue, God's help and counseling is a great place to begin to sort that out. Find a good counselor today as you seek to learn more about conflict resolution in marriage. Sometimes I hear people say I don't want to go to any pastor, priest, counselor or anybody for help I will do what is on my mind. Today I will tell you NO. You need God, a "good" counselor/therapist, a "good" religious leader when your marriage is in crises and uncontrollable. All you need is just to learn to control your anger and reactions to issues and get good counselors and avoid the bad ones.

Change is possible. With the help of God, a good counselor, you (and your spouse) can begin to find the solutions you are seeking and not friends not even a third party.