RECONSTRUCTING RELIGIOUS IDENTITY IN AFRICAN INDIGENOUS LANGUAGE FILMS BY ISRAEL KASHIM AUDU

 

PAPER PRESENTATION ON A 2 - DAY VIRTUAL CONFERENCE BY KANO INDIGENOUS AND LANGUAGE FILM FESTIVAL (KILAF) 

DATE: 24TH - 25TH NOVEMBER 2020 

RECONSTRUCTING RELIGIOUS IDENTITY IN AFRICAN INDIGENOUS LANGUAGE FILMS BY ISRAEL KASHIM AUDU 

ABSTRACT

One of the ways by which religious rituals, tradition and norms communicate in African society is by 

maintaining cohesion in the culture, this can be achieved through our local indigenous movies. They connect participants to richer meanings 

and larger forces of their community. Even in representational models, rituals create 

solidarity in the form of subjective experiences of sharing the same meaningful world 

which is attained by participants through the condensed nature of symbols used 

therein. Traditional religion is one ritual that despite the influence of westernization 

and scientific developments in Africa, still holds meaningful implications in people’s 

everyday life. Thus, from day break to evening, people have religious rituals with which 

they communicate with their God or gods, deities and ancestors (Christianity, Islam, Judaism, paganism etc). Also from weeks to 

seasons, months to years, there are festivals and rituals both in private and in public 

situations which the African still celebrate in connection with the ‘living dead’ or those 

in the ‘spirit world’. This paper will focus on the reconstruction of religious identity focusing on the major religions in Nigeria and the role our Nigerian movie industry plays.

INTRODUCTION

Like the practice of philosophy in Africa, Nollywood has significantly become involved in the process of Africa’s self reflection and identity construction by means of 

its cultural representations. Scholars like Kunzler, 2007, Onuzulike: 2007, Akpabio: 2007, 

Oluyinka: 2008, Osakwe: 2009, to mention but a few, by their findings attest to this fact 

and call for more nuanced analysis of Nollywood texts to explore the issue further. 

Thus, the use of films as a meta-narrative in exploring the religious identity of Africans 

is something of a revelatory process towards understanding not only the religious culture of the people but communalism in general as practiced in Africa. Again, it is aimed 

at decoding the aesthetics-pattern of the industry’s representational brand as against 

other mainstream film industries’ model of story-telling. In this paper therefore, the objective is to look at the religious identity in African indigenous films and discuss the significant presence of the indicators of African traditional religion by means of rigorous 

textual analysis. First, let us look at the phenomenon of the two major woods in Nigeria.

NOLLYWOOD AND KANNYWOOD : EMERGENCE AND BRIEF HISTORY

Nollywood and Kannywood the two main house whole names in Nigeria have their root in the movie industry and have played  key important significant roles.

The creation of Nollywood started in the 1960s. It was when the first Nollywood movies were being created by historical filmmakers such as Ola Balogun, Hubert Ogunde, Jab Adu, Moses Olayia and Eddie Ugboma. ("History,”) They are considered the first generation of Nigerian filmmakers. These pioneers started the Nigerian movie industry in a country full of citizens that looked to Hollywood for their entertainment. According to Britannica.com,  Hubert Ogunde was a pioneer in the field of Nigerian folk opera. He created the Ogunde Concert Party also known as Ogunde Theatre in 1945. It was the first professional theatrical company in the nation. Because of his contribution to the creation of the Nigerian film industry, he is often hailed as the father of Nigerian theatre (Sheffer, Setia & Tikkanen). 

Ola Balogun is another pioneer that contributed towards the creation of Nollywood. He is credited with directing a variety of films that cover a broad range of subjects. He has directed films about politics, corruption, poverty, and music. Even though he is still in the film industry, his major passion now is not being behind the cameras but on stage singing. He ventured into the Nigerian music industry in 2001 and now travels around the world promoting Nigerian culture through his music ("Ola Balogun," 2009). 

While not discarding the logic of those who do not see Nollywood as the name 

of Nigeria’s popular film industry currently, the understanding here is to signal the 

significance of these popular films produced in Nigeria by Nigerians in the culture industry. The use of the concept ‘Nollywood’ indicates the understanding that these 

films are vehicles of encoded messages with themes and languages that re(present) 

the life patterns of proximate Nigerian consumers in particular and Africans in general 

to whom they explore their social issues and cultural concerns. Again, that the Federal Government of Nigeria in 1993 set up a regulatory agency, the National Film and 

Video Censors Board, to censor the activities of the industry implies that it is officially 

regarded as the ‘national cinema’ industry of the country.

The Nollywood films according to Kunzler, is “an industry that has developed out 

of a context related to domestic and international cultural, economic, and political environments. It is heterogeneous in nature and can roughly be divided into Yoruba, 

Hausa and Igbo video films which designate their production centers in the SouthWest, North and South-East of Nigeria respectively” (Kunzler, 2007: 1). Thus, like any 

other national cinema, such as the Irish Cinema for instance, which “sustains and challenges the myths of a country’s nationhood” (Hill and Rocket, 2004: 10), or as Williams 

argues, “functions as an economic weapon in the competitive arena of world capitalism, promoting national values” (Williams, 2002: 6), Nollywood uses languages and 

themes that resonate with Nigerians to tell their stories. Even though, the filmmakers 

make films ‘essentially’ to make money as Akomfrah argues, they are systematically 

being ‘guided by the tenets of African nationalism and cultural identity which help 

them address local concerns’ (2006: 282). It exists “almost entirely outside pan-African 

institutions and international circuits that shaped most of the politicized African Cinemas”1

 (Haynes, 2000: 5) and “borrows from state media and the transnational flows of 

Indian and American films and Nigerian folklores” (Dul, 2000: 238). 

Generally, reception and textual studies of African films can be said to be in dire 

need of academic explorations. Only a few have been done and centred mostly on the 

canonized African films sponsored by the West (Zacks, 1995; Schmidt, 1985; Pfaff, 1992; 

Petty, 1992; Murphy, 2000; Tomaselli, Sherperson, and Eke, 1995; Haynes, 1995; Adedeji, 

1971; Akudinobi, 2001; Diawara, 1988, 1992, 1996, 1999; Nwachukwu, 1994; Bakari and 

Cham, 1996; Larkin, 1997). Quite recently, attention has started focusing on Nollywood 

especially in the West African region (Haynes, 2000; Adesanya, 2000; Ogundele, 2000; 

Ekwuazi, 2000; Okome, 2000; Garritano, 2000; Johnson, 2000; Oha, 2000; Larkin, 1997, 

2000, 2002, 2006; Haynes and Okome, 1997, 2000; Adejunmobi, 2002; Nwachukwu, 

2003; Lawuyi, 1997; Oha, 2001, 2002; Ofeimun, 2003; Owens-Ibie, 1998; Kunzler, 2007; 

Haynes, 2007; Okome, 2007; Onuzulike, 2007; Okoye, 2007; Dipio, 2007; Adeoti, 2007; 

McCall, n.d; Esosa, 2005; Akomfrah, 2006; Adesokan, 2006; Aderinokun, 2005; Akpabio, 

2007; Oluyinka, 2008; Uwah, 2008; Omoera, 2009) to discuss and analyze representations from insiders’ perspectives. Moreso our modern films today try to depict the culture/religion of other countries or their norms in our home movies rather than focus on our own core values here in Nigeria and Africa at large. 

The name "Kannywood" is a portmanteau derived from Kano and Hollywood, the center of the American film industry. "Kannywood" has origins in the late 1990s, when Sunusi Shehu of Tauraruwa Magazine created the term Kannywood and then it became the popular reference term for the industry in the northern nigeria.

The Hausa language cinema slowly evolved from the productions of RTV Kaduna and Radio Kaduna in the 1960s. Veterans like Dalhatu Bawa and Kasimu Yero pioneered drama productions that became popular with the Northern audience. In the 70's and 80's, Usman Baba Pategi and Mamman Ladan introduced the Hausa Comedy to the Northern audience.

1990s: Bollywood influence :

The 1990s saw a dramatic change in the Hausa language cinema, eager to attract more Hausa audience who find Bollywood movies more attractive, Kannywood; a cinematic synthesis of Indian and Hausa culture evolved and became extremely popular.Turmin Danya ("The Draw"), 1990, is usually cited as the first commercially successful Kannywood film. It was quickly followed by others like Gimbiya Fatima In Da So Da Kauna, Munkar, Badakala and Kiyarda Da Ni. New actors like Ibrahim Mandawari and Hauwa Ali Dodo became popular and set the stage for the emergence of super-star like female actresses later on.

2000s Kannywood :

By 2012, over 2000 film companies were registered with the Kano State Filmmakers Association.

A local censoring committee created by Kanywood Producers and Marketers was converted into a board and named Kano State Censorship Board in 2001 by Governor Rabiu Kwankwaso. Mr. Dahiru Beli was appointed the first Executive Secretary of the board.

RELIGIOUS IDENTITY AND BELIEFS IN AFRICA

Religion as part and parcel of life is a major tenet of communalism in African traditional life (Mbiti, 1969, 1990; Uzukwu, 1997; Okere, 1995; Dipio, 2007). Every person is 

guided by a personal god, called chi in Igbo language [where this writer comes from] 

similar to the ‘guardian angel’ in Christian theology. As an aspect of communalism, 

Mbiti states that “religion is the way of life of Africans” (1969: 29). These are apparent 

communications between the living and the dead guided by the hierarchical ordering 

of things in African communalism. Humanity first is created by the supreme God who 

is called Chukwu or Chineke. The God that creates (Yahweh elohim).

 This is where 

African traditional religion shares boundary with Christian theology that defines the 

triune God as “the being which nothing greater than can be conceived (non solum es 

quo maius cogitari nequit) but greater than all that can be conceived (quiddam maius quam cogitari posit)” (Anselm of Canterbury, in Fides et Ratio, No. 14). 

The concept of God in African communalism is revealed by the names given to Him 

in African languages. Following the principle of ‘agere sequitor esse’ (acting according 

to being), God is conceived as an unfathomable being, a force that creates all others 

and beyond whom there is no other. Mbiti emphasizes this point by arguing that “God 

is the origin and sustenance of all things. He is older than the Zamani period.

 He is 

outside creation and beyond creation. On the other hand, he is personally involved 

in his creations, so that it is not outside of his reach. God is thus simultaneously transcendent and immanent” (Mbiti, 1969: 29). This image of a being that is involved in 

the totality of African life is a force that recreates everything. Obiego, using the Igbo 

experience of religious faith to buttress this same point remarks that, “the profundity 

of their ideas and belief in Chukwu (God) is immortalized in their personal names (born 

mostly out of their experience in the struggle for life) as well as in Chukwu’s praise titles 

or epithets. Some of these speak of Chukwu’s existence in the emphatic way, as if to 

convince someone” (Obiego, 1981: 57). 

Some of the epithets as outlined by Mbiti in some African languages which describe Africa’s religious concept of God include the many definitions of his name: 

 ‘He who is of himself’ (Zulu), ‘the first who has always been

 in existence and would never die’ (Bambuti), ‘who has no father

 and is not a man’ (Herero), ‘the greatest of the great’ (Ndebele),

 ‘the great spirit’ (Shona), ‘the fatherless spirit’ (Ashanti), ‘marvel

 of marvels’ (Bacongo), ‘the unexplainable’ (Ngombe), ‘the unknown’

 (Massai), ‘the “He” of the suns’ (Ila/Baluba), ‘mighty immovable

 rock that never dies’ (Yoruba) (Mbiti, 1969: 25). 

These concepts come about due to the general understanding of the ‘person’ of 

God as the last end of all things or what this writer calls the Dum of existence. Dum is 

an Igbo word referring to the ‘totality’ of all things. It discusses God as ‘totality’ since 

He is pre-eminently immanent in nature. He is the ‘All’ of all things, the final summit 

and last apogee of existence who, even though, permeates all beings, is substantially 

unfathomable in being (Uwah, 2000: 26). For Adedeji, “God reveals Himself to Africans as a kingly Father who is dependable and a caretaker of the family, a friend who 

is trust-worthy for companionship, as a creator and life-giver who sustains and upholds the universe. For these reasons, Africans and Nigerians, particularly, see God as 

somebody who is good, merciful, holy, powerful, all knowing, omnipresent, a spirit, 

unchangeable, and unknowable. The Yorubas express these qualities when they say 

Olurun mimo (Holy God), Atererekariaye (omnipresent), Oba awaramaridi (unknowable), 

Apata-ayeraye (Rock of Ages), Oba aiku (Eternity), Kabiesi (Unquestionable)” (Adedeji, 

2000: 41).

In the Igbo speaking area of Nigeria, more of these epithets describe the people’s 

understanding of God (Chineke) as one of them who is involved in their affairs more 

like the ancestors communalistically. He is called Amama amacha amacha -‘the unfathomable being’, Echeta obi esie ike – ‘one who, when remembered infuses confidence’, 

Ogbara nkiti okwu biri n’onu – ‘the silent being that holds the last speech’, Ogba aka eje 

agha – ‘the warrior who wins battles without weapons’ etc. 

Now let look at one of the major religion in Africa/Nigeria "Islam" Muslims often refer to Muhammad as Prophet Muhammad, or just "The Prophet" or "The Messenger", and regard him as the greatest of all Prophets. He is seen by the Muslims as a possessor of all virtues. As an act of respect, Muslims follow the name of Muhammad by the Arabic benediction sallallahu 'alayhi wa sallam, (meaning Peace be upon him), sometimes abbreviated as "SAW" or "PBUH".

The deeds and sayings in the life of Muhammad  known as Sunnah are considered a model of the life-style that Muslims are obliged to follow. Recognizing Muhammad as God's final messenger is one of the central requirements in Islam which is clearly laid down in the second part of the Shahada (شَهَادَةٌ, "Testimony" or proclamation of faith): Lā ilāha illā l-Lāh, Muhammadun Rasūlu l-Lāh (لَا إِلَـٰهَ إِلَّا ٱللهُ، مُحَمَّدٌ رَّسُولُ ٱللهِ, "There is no god but God, Muhammad is the Messenger of God"). The Quran, in passages such as 3:132, 48:29 and 66:1, often uses the words "messenger" and "prophet" (such as ar-Rasūl (اَلرَّسُولُ, "The Messenger") or Rasūl Allāh (رَسُولُ ٱللهِ, "Messenger of God") for Muhammad, and asks people to follow him, so as to become successful in this hayāt (حَيَاةٌ, 'life') and al-Ākhirah (اَلْآخِرَةُ, the Afterlife).

RELIGIOUS BELIEFS IN NIGERIAN MOVIES

Africans traditionally believe that “man is a product of a universe in which all energy and everything is interconnected, born out of a “primal force” which has spread 

a little of itself into all it has generated” (Barlet, 1996: 84/85). By this is meant that Africans believe in a world that is unified between all beings, whether material, spiritual or 

metaphysical. Thus, for Onwubiko, “the world of Africans is one of inanimate, animate, 

and spiritual beings and there is the influence of each category of these beings in the 

universe in which they inhabit” (1991: 3). This inhabited universe according to Nwoga 

is a ‘space’ which is a field of action and not just a location made up of discrete physical distances and separate physical spaces. Ala mmuo (spirit world) and ala mmadu 

(human world) according to him, are the plains of spirit action and of human action, 

and these need not be physically separated. It is “the non-separation of these entities in physical terms that makes interaction between the various worlds possible so 

that spirits and their activities impinge on realities that are seen in the human and the 

physical” (Nwoga, 1984: 36). It is this view of ‘non-separability’ of the two worlds that is 

expressed in films like Things Fall Apart5 (1986) and many other African and Nollywood 

films where there is the constant tendency to consult the oracles (spirits) before taking 

up communal obligations which is part of African ontology. 

The spirit world is seen as part of the human world and the mediators between 

these worlds are culturally called the chief priests [Dibia in Igbo language] and [Babalawo in Yoruba]. Significantly in both literature and film adaption of Things Fall Apart, 

the reality of this worldview is concretely represented. In the description of who the 

earth goddess [Ani/Ala] is, and what role she plays in the life of people as a local deity 

in Things Fall Apart, Achebe writes: “Ani played a greater part in the life of the people than any other deity. She was the ultimate judge of morality and conduct. And what 

is more, she was in close communication with the departed fathers of the clan whose 

bodies had been committed to earth” (Achebe, 1958: 221). 

In the adapted film of this novel, the elders often meet in consultation with communal deities like Ani, the earth goddess and Amadioha, the god of thunder, in order to 

carry out communal duties. This is the case before the funeral rites of Ogbuefi Ezeudu, 

for instance, in the film, Things Fall Apart, and in Igodo: The Land of The Living Dead, 

when the community experienced massive deaths as a consequence of the wrath of 

the gods. The role of the traditional priest in these village ontologies is therefore significant in every community, since he or she bridges the gap between the real and 

the supernatural worlds, striving to sustain peace and harmony between all members 

(Kalu, 1994: 52). 

The film Sango (1997) by Femi Lasode particularly dramatizes Yoruba cosmology in 

its religio-cultural representations. In this film, the story is told of Sango, the traditional 

king of the old Oyo kingdom with spiritual powers that helped him win battles. Being 

an epic film equipped with cultural costumes, deep mystical powers of the gods and 

evocative sound tracks, this film reveals in great depths the idea of African traditional 

religion and belief in its richness of ritual communications between the human and 

spirit worlds. Similar to Sango’s deep ecological representations of African ontology 

are other Nollywood movies like Igodo (1999) and the Festival of Fire (1999), which focus 

not only on the relationship between the world of humans and the spirits in African 

worldviews but also emphasize how human activities are guided by the dictates of 

the gods. Instances of these types of activities in the films and the practical manner 

of behaviour in Africa makes Moemeka (1998) argue that Africans communicate communalistically. By this claim he pinpoints the indicators of communalism to include 

‘religion as a way of life’ in people’s daily encounters. In both verbal and non-verbal 

communications, Moemeka asserts that ‘communalistic acts are engaged in to confirm, solidify and promote social order. In such cultures, communication is always a 

question of attitude towards one’s neighbour closely tied to communication rules 

designed to ensure communal social order’ (1998: 133). 

Religion and faith define a strong aspect of Nigeria’s culture both in the traditional 

and modern day fashions. 

In his study on The Role of the Mass Media in the Process of 

Conversion of Catholics to Pentecostal Churches, Ihejirika identifies as one factor that 

makes people convert to Pentecostal churches, the idea that most believe there is always a contest between good and bad spirit in their lives (2003: 67). This confirms Oha’s 

findings of the Yorubas too especially in relation to Nollywood’s representations of 

their traditional religious practices, where the interface between religion and cultures 

is causing “a form of postcolonial education that means the emergence of cultural 

and religious hybridity in the society” (2002: 138). For Dipio, the “hybrid nature of this 

genre takes care of many interests at once. It combines art and commerce, pleasure 

and morals, reality and fantasy, tradition and modernity, and a form of Christianity that 

integrates traditional religion” (2007: 80). 

The Nigerian “Nollywood” and “Kannywood” apparently follow the Hollywood and Bollywood paradigm in ways beyond branding their industries to employing their strategies of telling stories. The copying is, however, often problematic in some respects, particularly the perceived incongruity of the ethos in the foreign films with the religion, culture, norms and values of the ‘local’ people the movies are primarily for, especially in culture-sensitive places like northern part of the country.

The Muslim-North is mostly a didactic, Shari’ah-abiding region. Generally, some people consider film as a means to debase their Arab-Islamic inclined culture. The people reject Hollywood as wholly un-Islamic, anti-Hausa cultural tenets while seeing cultural affinities in Bollywood films in areas like family values and relationship, among other things. Thus, from time to time, governments, a section of the hegemonic religious clerics and the public clash with the filmmakers. The religious and cultural negotiations continue unabated.

The question of identity in Kannywood films is yet another contested issue. Language is at the heart of this new challenging trend. The filmmakers deploy language to create “other societies” a la African-American usage of non-standard English language in Hollywood classics like Gone with the Wind (dir. Victor Fleming, 1939). Often, the non-indigenes’ perpetual poor grasp of the Hausa structure, phonology, phraseology and other linguistic tropes distinguish him from the mainstream, imperialistic culture of the society. The characters of Dan Gwari, Baban Chinedu, etc. typify such characters outside the margins. That, however, does not stop on the aforementioned typecasts, Hausa people from other states beside Kano are equally portrayed in questionable roles. For instance, Sokoto man is repeatedly shown as fantastically foolish. Therefore, in addition to the outsiders’ criticism, the filmmakers are themselves not sure of which identity of Hausa man to project to the world – the Westernised, Indianised, Arabised, Kano man, or what?

The religio, linguistic and cultural inconsistencies that are in Kannywood productions are overwhelming. Described as one of the most vibrant film industries in Africa by several scholars from within and outside the continent, the film industry has significantly been overshadowed by Nollywood, which is now the second biggest film industry in the world according to the 2009 UNESCO Institute for Statistics. Some filmmakers, as well as critics, see religion as a cog to the Industry’s growth in addition to its use of ‘local’ language, the dearth of professionals, and, above all, the (mis)perception that it caricatures Bollywood cause the marginalisation.

CONCLUSION 

The culture-centred nature of most Nigerian films can be argued to depict the 

industry as grounded on indigenous cultures like any other folk media, produced 

and consumed by members of the group. In this case, they reinforce the values of the 

people and are the visible features by which social identities and worldviews are maintained and defined (Eilers, 1992: 127). Thus, the general question of root paradigms in 

Nollywood films is ritualistic, ecological, sacred, cosmological and therefore strongly 

cultural in most cases.

 Understanding this role played by oral tradition and rituals in 

films helps film critics see how the filmmaker transforms his or her tradition into a new 

technology (Diawara, 1988: 13). It is, in the words of Barber, ‘celebrating the traditional’, which is an affirmation of self worth for the people as well as a demonstration of 

their progress and modernity (Barber, 1997: 1). It is this fact that this paper has shown 

by exploring the representation of religious identity in African indigenous films. 

Therefore, while religion is not a new phenomenon in textual analysis, the ideological 

framework behind its presence in most Nollywood and Kannywood films is an indicator of a somewhat 

revelatory value in the identity construction and cosmology of the African. In them 

as in real life religion, the transitory and the eternally sacred meet in the dynamics of 

ritual celebrations and strongly therefore signal oscillations between viewing and using religion in Nigerian movies as panoply of cultural identity construction. 

I will end this paper presentation by saying "as a lover of art when giving your story to the world remember your religious identity and learn not to copy other people's belief and culture.

SUSTAINING A LONG LASTING RELATIONSHIP EVEN IN A STORM BY ISRAEL KASHIM AUDU

SUSTAINING A LONG LASTING RELATIONSHIP EVEN IN A STORM BY ISRAEL KASHIM AUDU

 

Bitterness hurts, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. People appear to hold on to it to protect themselves from more pain. It does shield them from more hurt, but also from love as well. Bitterness from the heartbreaks of the past, may not allow for a new and better future. "Let go and let God but remember to forgive and connect in love again when we disconnect".

 This article will reflect on all form of relationships while intimacy is important our religious institution kick against fornication/adultry while this still happen let's avoid evil and what is promoted in our society today.

All romantic relationships go through ups and downs and they all take work, commitment, and a willingness to adapt and change with your partner. But whether your relationship is just starting out or you’ve been together for years, there are steps you can take to build a healthy relationship. Even if you’ve experienced a lot of failed relationships in the past or struggled before to rekindle the fires of romance in your current relationship, you can learn to stay connected, find fulfillment, and enjoy lasting happiness.

What makes a healthy relationship?

Every relationship is unique, and people come together for many different reasons. Part of what defines a healthy relationship is sharing a common goal for exactly what you want the relationship to be and where you want it to go. And that’s something you’ll only know by talking deeply and honestly with your partner. However, there are also some characteristics that most healthy relationships have in common. Knowing these basic principles can help keep your relationship meaningful, fulfilling and exciting whatever goals you’re working towards or challenges you’re facing together.

You maintain a meaningful emotional connection with each other. You each make the other feel loved and emotionally fulfilled. There’s a difference between being loved and feeling loved. When you feel loved, it makes you feel accepted and valued by your partner, like someone truly gets you. Some relationships get stuck in peaceful coexistence, but without the partners truly relating to each other emotionally. While the union may seem stable on the surface, a lack of ongoing involvement and emotional connection serves only to add distance between two people.

You’re not afraid of (respectful) disagreement. Some couples talk things out quietly, while others may raise their voices and passionately disagree. The key in a strong relationship, though, is not to be fearful of conflict. You need to feel safe to express things that bother you without fear of retaliation, and be able to resolve conflict without humiliation, degradation, or insisting on being right.

You keep outside relationships and interests alive. Despite the claims of romantic fiction or movies, no one person can meet all of your needs. In fact, expecting too much from your partner can put unhealthy pressure on a relationship. To stimulate and enrich your romantic relationship, it’s important to sustain your own identity outside of the relationship, preserve connections with family and friends, and maintain your hobbies and interests.

You communicate openly and honestly. Good communication is a key part of any relationship. When both people know what they want from the relationship and feel comfortable expressing their needs, fears, and desires, it can increase trust and strengthen the bond between you.

Falling in love vs. staying in love

For most people, falling in love usually seems to just happen. It’s staying in love—or preserving that “falling in love” experience—that requires commitment and work. Given its rewards, though, it’s well worth the effort. A healthy, secure romantic relationship can serve as an ongoing source of support and happiness in your life, through good times and bad, strengthening all aspects of your wellbeing. By taking steps now to preserve or rekindle your falling in love experience, you can build a meaningful relationship that lasts—even for a lifetime.

Many couples focus on their relationship only when there are specific, unavoidable problems to overcome. Once the problems have been resolved they often switch their attention back to their careers, kids, or other interests. However, romantic relationships require ongoing attention and commitment for love to flourish. As long as the health of a romantic relationship remains important to you, it is going to require your attention and effort. And identifying and fixing a small problem in your relationship now can often help prevent it from growing into a much larger one down road. The following tips can help you to preserve that falling in love experience and keep your romantic relationship healthy.

Tip 1: Spend quality time face to face

Young man and woman sitting close together in coffee shop, their hands clasped, both smiling, woman's head tilted upward in glee

You fall in love looking at and listening to each other. If you continue to look and listen in the same attentive ways, you can sustain the falling in love experience over the long term. You probably have fond memories of when you were first dating your loved one. Everything seemed new and exciting, and you likely spent hours just chatting together or coming up with new, exciting things to try. However, as time goes by, the demands of work, family, other obligations, and the need we all have for time to ourselves can make it harder to find time together.

Many couples find that the face-to-face contact of their early dating days is gradually replaced by hurried texts, emails, and instant messages. While digital communication is great for some purposes, it doesn’t positively impact your brain and nervous system in the same way as face-to-face communication. Sending a text or a voice message to your partner saying “I love you” is great, but if you rarely look at them or have the time to sit down together, they’ll still feel you don’t understand or appreciate them. And you’ll become more distanced or disconnected as a couple. The emotional cues you both need to feel loved can only be conveyed in person, so no matter how busy life gets, it’s important to carve out time to spend together.

Commit to spending some quality time together on a regular basis. No matter how busy you are, take a few minutes each day to put aside your electronic devices, stop thinking about other things, and really focus on and connect with your partner.

Find something that you enjoy doing together, whether it is a shared hobby, dance class, daily walk, or sitting over a cup of coffee in the morning.

Try something new together. Doing new things together can be a fun way to connect and keep things interesting. It can be as simple as trying a new restaurant or going on a day trip to a place you’ve never been before.

Focus on having fun together. Couples are often more fun and playful in the early stages of a relationship. However, this playful attitude can sometimes be forgotten as life challenges start getting in the way or old resentments start building up. Keeping a sense of humor can actually help you get through tough times, reduce stress and work through issues more easily. Think about playful ways to surprise your partner, like bringing flowers home or unexpectedly booking a table at their favorite restaurant. Playing with pets or small children can also help you reconnect with your playful side.

Do things together that benefit others:

One the most powerful ways of staying close and connected is to jointly focus on something you and your partner value outside of the relationship. Volunteering for a cause, project, or community work that has meaning for both of you can keep a relationship fresh and interesting. It can also expose you both to new people and ideas, offer the chance to tackle new challenges together, and provide fresh ways of interacting with each other.

As well as helping to relieve stress, anxiety, and depression, doing things to benefit others delivers immense pleasure. Human beings are hard-wired to help others. The more you help, the happier you’ll feel——as individuals and as a couple.

Tip 2: Stay connected through communication

Young woman sitting on side of bed smiling as she gestures towards her partner

Good communication is a fundamental part of a healthy relationship. When you experience a positive emotional connection with your partner, you feel safe and happy. When people stop communicating well, they stop relating well, and times of change or stress can really bring out the disconnect. It may sound simplistic, but as long as you are communicating, you can usually work through whatever problems you’re facing.

Tell your partner what you need, don’t make them guess.

It’s not always easy to talk about what you need. For one, many of us don’t spend enough time thinking about what’s really important to us in a relationship. And even if you do know what you need, talking about it can make you feel vulnerable, embarrassed, or even ashamed. But look at it from your partner’s point of view. Providing comfort and understanding to someone you love is a pleasure, not a burden.

If you’ve known each other for a while, you may assume that your partner has a pretty good idea of what you are thinking and what you need. However, your partner is not a mind-reader. While your partner may have some idea, it is much healthier to express your needs directly to avoid any confusion. Your partner may sense something, but it might not be what you need. What’s more, people change, and what you needed and wanted five years ago, for example, may be very different now. So instead of letting resentment, misunderstanding, or anger grow when your partner continually gets it wrong, get in the habit of telling them exactly what you need.

Take note of your partner’s nonverbal cues

So much of our communication is transmitted by what we don’t say. Nonverbal cues, which include eye contact, tone of voice, posture, and gestures such as leaning forward, crossing your arms, or touching someone’s hand, communicate much more than words. When you can pick up on your partner’s nonverbal cues or “body language,” you’ll be able to tell how they really feel and be able to respond accordingly. For a relationship to work well, each person has to understand their own and their partner’s nonverbal cues. Your partner’s responses may be different from yours. For example, one person might find a hug after a stressful day a loving mode of communication—while another might just want to take a walk together or sit and chat.

It’s also important to make sure that what you say matches your body language. If you say “I’m fine,” but you clench your teeth and look away, then your body is clearly signaling you are anything but “fine.”

When you experience positive emotional cues from your partner, you feel loved and happy, and when you send positive emotional cues, your partner feels the same. When you stop taking an interest in your own or your partner’s emotions, you’ll damage the connection between you and your ability to communicate will suffer, especially during stressful times.

Be a good listener

While a great deal of emphasis in our society is put on talking, if you can learn to listen in a way that makes another person feel valued and understood, you can build a deeper, stronger connection between you. There’s a big difference between listening in this way and simply hearing. When you really listen—when you’re engaged with what’s being said—you’ll hear the subtle intonations in your partner’s voice that tells you how they’re really feeling and the emotions they’re trying to communicate. Being a good listener doesn’t mean you have to agree with your partner or change your mind. But it will help you find common points of view that can help you to resolve conflict.

Manage stress

When you’re stressed or emotionally overwhelmed, you’re more likely to misread your romantic partner, send confusing or off-putting nonverbal signals, or lapse into unhealthy knee-jerk patterns of behavior. How often have you been stressed and flown off the handle at your loved one and said or done something you later regretted? If you can learn to quickly manage stress and return to a calm state, you’ll not only avoid such regrets, but you’ll also help to avoid conflict and misunderstandings——and even help to calm your partner when tempers build.

Tip 3: Keep physical intimacy alive

Touch is a fundamental part of human existence. Studies on infants have shown the importance of regular, affectionate contact for brain development. And the benefits don’t end in childhood. Affectionate contact boosts the body’s levels of oxytocin, a hormone that influences bonding and attachment.

While sex is often a cornerstone of a committed relationship, it shouldn’t be the only method of physical intimacy. Frequent, affectionate touch—holding hands, hugging, kissing—is equally important.

Of course, it’s important to be sensitive to what your partner likes. Unwanted touching or inappropriate overtures can make the other person tense up and retreat—exactly what you don’t want. As with so many other aspects of a healthy relationship, this can come down to how well you communicate your needs and intentions with your partner.

Even if you have pressing workloads or young children to worry about, you can help to keep physical intimacy alive by carving out some regular couple time, whether that’s in the form of a date night or simply an hour at the end of the day when you can sit and talk or hold hands.

Tip 4: Learn to give and take in your relationship

If you expect to get what you want 100% of the time in a relationship, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Healthy relationships are built on compromise. However, it takes work on each person’s part to make sure that there is a reasonable exchange.

Recognize what’s important to your partner

Knowing what is truly important to your partner can go a long way towards building goodwill and an atmosphere of compromise. On the flip side, it’s also important for your partner to recognize your wants and for you to state them clearly. Constantly giving to others at the expense of your own needs will only build resentment and anger.

Don’t make “winning” your goal

If you approach your partner with the attitude that things have to be your way or else, it will be difficult to reach a compromise. Sometimes this attitude comes from not having your needs met while younger, or it could be years of accumulated resentment in the relationship reaching a boiling point. It’s alright to have strong convictions about something, but your partner deserves to be heard as well. Be respectful of the other person and their viewpoint.

Learn how to respectfully resolve conflict

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but to keep a relationship strong, both people need to feel they’ve been heard. The goal is not to win but to maintain and strengthen the relationship.

Make sure you are fighting fair. Keep the focus on the issue at hand and respect the other person. Don’t start arguments over things that cannot be changed.

Don’t attack someone directly but use “I” statements to communicate how you feel. For example, instead of saying, “You make me feel bad” try “I feel bad when you do that”.

Don’t drag old arguments into the mix. Rather than looking to past conflicts or grudges and assigning blame, focus on what you can do in the here-and-now to solve the problem.

Be willing to forgive. Resolving conflict is impossible if you’re unwilling or unable to forgive others.

If tempers flare, take a break. Take a few minutes to relieve stress and calm down before you say or do something you’ll regret. Always remember that you’re arguing with the person you love.

Know when to let something go. If you can’t come to an agreement, agree to disagree. It takes two people to keep an argument going. If a conflict is going nowhere, you can choose to disengage and move on.

Tip 5: Be prepared for ups and downs

It’s important to recognize that there are ups and downs in every relationship. You won’t always be on the same page. Sometimes one partner may be struggling with an issue that stresses them, such as the death of a close family member. Other events, like job loss or severe health problems, can affect both partners and make it difficult to relate to each other. You might have different ideas of managing finances or raising children. Different people cope with stress differently, and misunderstandings can rapidly turn to frustration and anger.

Don’t take out your problems on your partner. Life stresses can make us short tempered. If you are coping with a lot of stress, it might seem easier to vent with your partner, and even feel safer to snap at them. Fighting like this might initially feel like a release, but it slowly poisons your relationship. Find other healthier ways to manage your stress, anger, and frustration.

Trying to force a solution can cause even more problems. Every person works through problems and issues in their own way. Remember that you’re a team. Continuing to move forward together can get you through the rough spots.

Look back to the early stages of your relationship. Share the moments that brought the two of you together, examine the point at which you began to drift apart, and resolve how you can work together to rekindle that falling in love experience.

Be open to change. Change is inevitable in life, and it will happen whether you go with it or fight it. Flexibility is essential to adapt to the change that is always taking place in any relationship, and it allows you to grow together through both the good times and the bad.

If you need outside help for your relationship, reach out together. Sometimes problems in a relationship can seem too complex or overwhelming for you to handle as a couple. Couples therapy or talking together with a trusted friend or trusted religious figure can help.