THE ESSENCE OF RECONCILIATION BY ISRAEL KASHIM AUDU

 

THE ESSENCE OF RECONCILIATION BY ISRAEL KASHIM AUDU 

The tradition of new year resolutions and people waiting till the end of the year to send forgiveness note have become a norm for some people in our society today. Who are those we call friends? Those who expose your secret when you have misunderstanding? Those who always condemn you? Or Those who are praying for your downfall? Just recently I saw on social media where friendship became sour and the began to expose each other's secret chat and past moments. Reconciliation and forgiveness work together for peace and development.

Why do relationships have to be so complicated? Why do good friends get “wrapped around the axle” with each other? Why do family members become so alienated they may not speak to one another for years? It is because we are sinners who are, by nature, enemies of God and of each other. However, the message of the God is the message of reconciliation (that is, putting together divided parties; Jesus’ bringing God and man together). “In Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation” (2 Cor. 5:19).

The English word reconciliation has its etymological roots in the Latin reconciliare: re-, “again” and conciliare, “make friendly.” In most Germanic languages, the word for reconciliation – e.g. the Swedish word försoning – hasa Low German root, namely sonen, which means “to settle a strife.” However, the Swedish national encyclopedia defines försoning as “the reestablishment of  peace and solidarity between divided peoples, in religion between deity and mankind.” So, even though the Latin and German base words differ, the term holds the same meaning – the reestablishment of  peace or friendship. Thus, both refer to going back to a state that existed earlier, before a bond was broken. The term reconciliation has strong religious connotations. Reconciliation is used in the Christian tradition to describe the broken relationship between God and mankind due to sin, with Jesus reestablishing concilia-tion between them through the sacrifice of his life: “That God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men’s sins against them and he has committed to us the message of  reconciliation.

Paul’s use of the word reconciliation to describe God’s movement toward men implies that there was the need for an end to enmity, animosity, or malice. God’s communication with His creation had been disrupted, the connection broken. 

Radical repair was necessary in order for God to again show His love for people. This radical repair came in the form of Christ’s death on the cross. God was willing to count our trespasses against Christ, rather than against us. The recipients of God’s grace become His messengers of reconciliation.

 The power that raised Christ from the dead raises His followers to new life. Old thinking, old behavior, old opinions, old personality traits, and attitudes have passed away; they are dead. As new creations, men and women are called to communicate the message of reconciliation. How is this message communicated? The same way God communicated His work of reconciliation to us, in the radical repair of relationships by showing love to offensive people.

C.S. Lewis has written that Jesus “told people that their sins were forgiven, and never waited to consult all the other people whom their sins had undoubtedly injured. He unhesitatingly behaved as if He was the party chiefly concerned, the person chiefly offended in all offences” (Mere Christianity). God is the one “chiefly offended” in all conflict. Yet it is so difficult for mere mortals to forget their own hurt and anger and to remember that the sin causing them so much suffering, is ultimately against their heavenly Father. The problem lies in the fact that the communication of this reconciliation necessarily comes about as God works through human sinfulness and emotions to bring about the need for reconciliation. Obviously, there would be no need for reconciliation in the world if there were no conflict.

People sin against each other, or think they have been sinned against, and conflict is born. Pride, false assumptions, anger, and bitterness can result from the behavior or attitudes of others. Reconciliation, indeed, becomes a tricky business when a man believes he has been sinned against, yet the other person seems unaware of his or her transgression. Perhaps it is a simple misunderstanding. The best course may be to overlook the sin: “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is his glory to overlook an offense” (Prov. 19:11 NIV). Scripture also states that men are to “love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8 NIV). However, if the sin is particularly hurtful, or has serious repercussions, or is grievous enough to warrant church discipline, the example given in Matthew 18:15–17 is to be the model for reconciliation: “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone but if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you if he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church.” Certainly, private communication is more comfortable and more pleasant for everyone involved in a conflict. Clear and gentle communication, coming about as early in the conflict as possible, guards against false assumptions and the “taking counsel in” one’s soul that leads to constant sorrow (Ps. 13:2). We are to speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15), that is, speaking it without impatience, unkindness, boasting, arrogance or rudeness, irritability, or resentment (1 Cor. 13). The ability to speak the truth in love is the essence of the communication of God’s message of reconciliation that is to be shown to the watching world.

Why should we do this? Why go to this trouble? Jesus prays to the Father for the unity of His people in John 17:20–23, stating that this unity was to be illustrated “so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me.” The reputation of Christ’s bride is at stake when conflict undermines relationships. Unresolved conflict may lead us to either fight back in anger or flee in fear of contact. Bitterness and resentment dull appreciation for God’s goodness in our lives. Avoidance prevents the enjoyment of free and open relationships with others. At the root of each of these reactions is pride. Perhaps words have been the weapon of injury, or maybe an actual knife or gun has taken the life of someone dear. It may have been an auto accident caused by a drunk driver, or gossip that led to character assassination. For a man to wonder why such a thing has happened to him is a natural reaction. The Psalms are filled with rich descriptions of the emotions of anger and fear in the face of loss and hurt. Yet, there is the awareness that the sin is ultimately against God. Men’s anger is to be a righteous anger focused in the direction of seeing to it that God’s good name is preserved (Pss. 37:7–13; see also 4:4–8; 13:3–6; 55:12–14, 19–23). “Be angry and do not sin; ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent” (Ps. 4:4). Ponder, or think about, what? The sweetness and richness of the truth that we were alienated from God, and now we are reconciled. Free forgiveness and the desire to reconcile results in treating the other person’s sin as God treated the sins of His people, removing them as far as the east is from the west (Ps. 103:12) and remembering them no more because of His great love.

Sometimes reconciliation seems to fail. There appears to be no way to re-establish communication and a viable relationship. Does the process cease and the animosity continue to grow between two who will not be reconciled? No, the Scriptures also speak to this opportunity to communicate God’s message of reconciliation: “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you” (Luke 6:27). Jesus is teaching that there will be enemies, those who cannot be reconciled as friends. Yet, God’s people are to go on loving (see Rom. 12:17–19). How can God ask this of His people? Because that’s what He did for us: “While we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son” (Rom. 5:10).

Reconciliation can be a painful process. God understands this. It took the life of His Son to reconcile sinful man to Himself. He has not called His people to sacrifice their children in order to appease an earthly enemy. He has called us to sacrifice our pride in order to model His message of reconciliation to others. He has called us to live peaceably with all men. When that fails, He calls us to love unselfishly, from a heart that has been reconciled to God. He calls us to remember that we are new creations, with new affections and new behavior, and that we were first loved when we were enemies.

Different Aspects of Reconciliation

In the following we will focus on the literature concerning six different aspects of reconciliation (religious, socio-cultural, psychological, economic,

political, and juridical). The objective is to investigate the main issues of

concern and dilemmas regarding reconciliation from each perspective. 

Religious aspects.

As mentioned above, the term reconciliation has strong religious connotations. In Christianity, reconciliation between God and humanity through

Jesus is a fundamental theme. Historically, within Christianity there has also

been a division between Eastern and Western traditions regarding the view

of sin and thus also of reconciliation. The Eastern Orthodox Church considered sin from a relational perspective, emphasizing the breaking of loving relations between God and man or between human beings. Western

Christian traditions (Catholicism and Protestantism) were in the past more

influenced by the Roman legal tradition and focused thereby on the legal

dimension of sin. seeing sin mainly as disobedience of the law of God. 

Today, however, the Western traditions have shifted from this preoccupation

with normative moral rules to considering sin and reconciliation from a relational point of view.

One approach to the Bible’s concept of justice is that it can be seen as

interpersonal reconciliation, which focuses in particular on the issues of

compassion, mercy and forgiveness. Interwoven in the theological context

of reconciliation is also the notion that human justice is limited. Justice can

never achieve full retribution for the victims, especially not for the dead, but

the theologian hope is that victims will be vindicated after death. Reconciliation is from this point of view seen as the “ultimate fulfillment of justice”,

requiring forgiveness.

In the Buddhist tradition, compassion rather than forgiveness is stressed.

The fundaments of the Buddhist Middle Path are acceptance, tolerance,

and above all, compassion. There are no examples as yet of a Buddhist

country officially working for reconciliation after internal conflict. In Cambodia, however, ongoing negotiations are being held between the government and the UN on how to deal with the country’s conflicts filled past. In

a paper on the pursuit of justice and reconciliation in Cambodia after the

atrocious regime of the Khmer Rouge, Wendy Lambourne states that some

Cambodians she interviewed were sceptical against replicating the Christian concept” of truth commissions as they are based on “confessing and

forgiving”. One interviewee explained that it would not be applicable to

Cambodian tradition where, in accordance with Buddhism, people who

have committed crimes will always be held responsible for them – there is

no God who will ultimately forgive. Another interviewee argued on the

same lines but drew the opposite conclusion, saying that it would be easy for

Cambodians to forgive because they believe the perpetrators will be punished in the next life. 

Implications for Development Cooperation: Awareness of the Christian connotations reconciliation may have in both Christian and non christian countries is important. Consequently, give a clear definition of reconciliation

when using the term or use another word if more appropriate in the specific

context.

sociocultural Aspects.

Culture is the rich and complex blend of beliefs, attitudes, and behaviour regarding everything from food to art to politics and religion in a certain society. Culture shapes how we perceive ourselves and others. Violence, fear

and hatred during war result in the modernization of old myths and stereotypes to explain one’s own or some other group’s gruesome behaviour

and thereby justify whatever atrocities are committed. After the war, the

societal and cultural fabric is drenched with these beliefs. They can be seen

in how history is described, how the language is used, in education, the media, theatre etc. In order to live in peace, these beliefs must be questioned

and transformed. Unfortunately there is no universal technique for this.

The search for sustainable peace in a society after conflict must begin from

its own roots, importing from outside whatever can be of use, but basing

that society’s transformation on its own unique set of traditions and cultural

heritage. In the South African Truth and Reconciliation Commission (TRC), the

African notion of ubuntu held important meaning. Ubuntu means that humanity is intertwined, a person is a person through other people, we are

human because we belong. Through this concept, Desmond Tutu argued

that “even the supporters of apartheid were victims” and “the oppressor

was dehumanised as much as, if not more than, the oppressed.” The misconduct of one person reduces everyone’s ubuntu while good deeds increase the ubuntu and well-being of all. Thus, reconciliation was part of

restoring ubuntu in both victims and former perpetrators, for everyone is

linked together. In this way, the TRC brought together its mission for national reconciliation, which often used Christian vocabulary, with the traditional African cultural heritage in the attempt to pave the way for reconciliation.

In Caritas International’s handbook Working for Reconciliation a “Tool Box

for Keeping a Cultural Perspective in Reconciliation Work” is proposed.

The recommendations include the following: to identify cultural dimensions to the conflict (e.g. ideology, religion, social inequality), to identify cultural realities that impact negatively (prejudice, fear etc) or positively (shared

values regarding cooperation, similar reconciliation customs) on the resolution of the conflict, and to explore traditional or cultural methods for reconciliation.

Implications for Development Cooperation: Support local and national, cultural grounded initiatives for reconciliation. They will have the highest legitimacy and sustainability in the long run.

Economic Aspects

As mentioned above, studies show that post-civil war societies are significantly more likely to experience civil war again than societies with no prior

experience of war. Barbara Walter argues that two factors are imperative

for this vicious circle to reoccur, both being related to the individual citizen's

incentives to go to war: people feel that continuing life in the current condition is worse than the possibility of death in war, and there is a closed

political system that does not permit change (except by use of violence).

Walter’s study of civil wars suggests that improvement in economic well-being together with increased political openness significantly decreases the

risk of experiencing war anew. Walter writes: “Conflict begets conflict not

because violence makes poor countries poorer or undemocratic governments more autocratic, but because individuals in these countries fail to experience any improvement over time.”

On the same lines, Collier and Hoeffler argue that negative economic

growth rates are the primary source of civil war. Furthermore, studies

show that war greatly strains the economy, “so that there is the potential for

a trap – a cycle of economic deterioration and repeat conflict.”

There is also the risk of spillover effects in neighbouring countries, leading

to instability in the region and the risk of expanded conflict.

How does then economy relate to reconciliation? Economic development seems essential for peace, and peace is essential for reconciliation. Furthermore, and more specifically, in the work of truth commissions around

the world the importance of economic compensation has become unmistakable. “Reconciliation must go hand in hand with economic justice,”

states Alex Boraine. Survivors of atrocity and injustice have often been

denied access to for example education, jobs, housing, and medical care.

When the time comes for building a new and peaceful society, the gaps are

vast between former perpetrators and survivors regarding all areas. As

Robert I Rotberg writes: “Reparations and compensation strengthen the rule

of law, reconciliation, and the overall process of institutional reform.”

Money can never compensate the death of loved ones but can help a surviving

family build a better life as well as serve as “…an official, symbolic apology.”

The truth commissions in Argentina and Chile have had the most substantial economic reparations for victims. Other countries’ commissions

have recommended financial compensation for victims but the governments have failed to provide resources and expedite this crucial step in the

work for reconciliation. In South Africa for example, testifiers had been

promised economic compensation for witnessing in the TRC but the monetary help was seldom handed over to the victim. This led to renewed anger

and feelings of humiliation in victims.

Implications for Development Cooperation: Assist governments in delivering financial compensation to survivors and family members of those killed or missing, who have given testimony in truth commissions. For reconciliation,

economic justice is crucial. Thus, economic compensation must also reach

those who do not take part in a truth commission. Supporting micro finance

projects, joint market days, and other economic projects in order to reduce

gaps and compensate suffering is thus central for reconciliation.

Political Aspects

Is a state of reconciliation politically desirable? Timothy Garton Ash argues

“…the reconciliation of all with all is a deeply illiberal idea.” Whether this

is so or not of course depends on how reconciliation is defined. If reconciliation demands no conflict, no differences, and only love, harmony, and

unity – then reconciliation is probably both illiberal and impossible. If we

use our definition from above: “Reconciliation is a societal process that involves mutual acknowledgment of past suffering and the changing of destructive attitudes and behaviour into constructive relationships toward sustainable peace” this neither implies lack of conflict nor total harmony.

Rather, it refers to a state, as discussed above, that after atrocity and injustice.

builds a future on remembering the past, handling conflict without violence,

and respecting the rights of all its members.

In the first systematic attempt to study reconciliation on a national, political level, Long and Brecke have examined the presence or absence of

‘reconciliation events’ after civil conflict and subsequent relations between

former adversaries. Reconciliation events are defined as including: a

meeting between senior representatives of the former opposing factions;

a public ceremony, covered by national media; and ritualistic or symbolic

behaviour that indicates peace. Studying all countries that experienced civil

war in the 20th century, Long and Brecke found that for countries in which a

reconciliation event took place 64% did not return to violent conflict. However, among countries that had not experienced a reconciliation event, only

9% did not return to war. This supports the notion that political attempts at

reconciliation after internal conflict are essential in the quest for peace.

An example of political, symbolic behaviour indicating peace is the official apology – an increasingly common phenomenon over the last years.

German Chancellor Willy Brandt was one of the first, falling to his knees in the Old Jewish Ghetto in Warsaw in 1970, gesturing an apology for Germany's atrocities during World War II. The pope has apologized for the Catholic Church’s past maltreatment of the Jewish people, the IRA has apologized for having killed civilians in its 30-year anti-British campaign, in 2001

the Japanese Prime Minister Koizumi expressed remorse for the Korean

suffering under Japanese rule during World War II. The UN Secretary

General Kofi Annan apologized to Rwanda for the UN’s inability to act and

prevent the 1994 genocide; former US president Bill Clinton did the same.

In Sweden, the government and the Church are working for reconciliation

with the Swedish Saami, a minority living in northern Sweden who were

subjected to discrimination for centuries. In Australia, Bringing Them Home,

a best-selling official report published in 1997, described how aboriginal

children up until the 1970s had been stolen from their families to be placed

in and raised by white families for “assimilation.” The Australian population was outraged by this knowledge. The government has not officially

apologized for its past conduct, but an annual “Sorry Day” was established,

held on May 26, and “sorry books” were distributed around the country for

the public to sign. Within a year hundreds of volumes were filled with signatures of over 100,000 Australians. Official acknowledgment of, and expression of remorse for, past wrongs has an entirely new role in today’s

world politics.

Implications for Development Cooperation: After internal conflict, in which the

state has been an actor, support initiatives for increased awareness among

top-level leaders regarding the importance of official self-reflection and acknowledgement of past atrocity committed by the state. After acknowledgment of past injustice, support governments to distribute compensation. Support governments in taking the crucial political responsibility of paving the

way for reconciliation through for example laws and education.

Psychological Aspects

On an individual level, traumatic experiences do not disappear through silence. As Hamber writes: “…psychologically, sleeping dogs do not lie; past

traumas do not simply pass or disappear with the passage of time. Psychological trauma research has shown that it is of great importance to heal traumatic wounds in order for life to continue without the trauma becoming cemented in physical and/or mental disorder. Victims of torture and

other human rights violations often have a feeling that no-one would believe

them if they told their story – just as they often have been told by their perpetrators. Official acknowledgement of past atrocity and injustice is important for working with individual traumatic experience because it validates past experiences and helps restore dignity and self-esteem. Telling

one’s story to someone who listens is thus of greater importance than one

might first imagine. However, to speak of traumatic wounds, which often

have left feelings of deep humiliation, shame, and guilt, is difficult and painful. Therefore it is of great importance how the talking and listening is

done and that the victim is aware that revealing does not lead to instant

healing.

During truth commission hearings, victims must recall and relive traumatic experiences in a public environment, most often having only one opportunity to testify and most likely not meeting the commissioners he/she is

speaking to again. In South Africa, the Truth and Reconciliation Commission (TRC) had the objective of uncovering past atrocities in order to

achieve healing and reconciliation in the nation. The objective of healing led

to much debate among psychologists in South Africa. Some expressed

their support, others were sceptical, and some considered it to be more

harmful than beneficial. Alfred Allan warns for the belief that witnessing in

a commission would be healing, referring to studies showing that some individuals, both victims who testified and staff members who listened to the

testimonies, were further traumatised by the experience of participating in

the TRC.

He argues that even though some individuals experienced giving testimony as cathartic, this does not necessarily imply that it was therapeutic.

He states that the question remains “whether the process brought about an

enduring change for the better, or merely a short-term symptomatic relief,”

and calls for research in the area. Similarly, Swartz and Drennan argue

that it is not clear today if emotional self-exposure, even in a clinical setting,

automatically has a positive effect on mental health. Allan warns that this

“myth” – that testifying in a TRC is a healing process – can involve risks, for example: survivors may be misled to testify in the belief that it will be good

for them; the risk that governments believe in the myth and will fail to arrange for treatment needs; and that the belief may deprive people in grave

need of treatment from adequate help, as the needs are not appreciated.

 Allan and Allan claim that “it is inevitable that, for some of them [testifiers], psychological dysfunction and emotional pain will follow.” The authors point to the fact that the aim of truth commissions usually is to focus

on collective rather than individual experiences, a factor that might be antitherapeutic. “We still await studies about the psychological impact of truth

commissions” states another scholar. However, as Hayner writes, “the

central aim of a truth commission is not therapy.” Many truth commissions do nevertheless aspire to function as a therapeutic tool for society. In

this process it is important to remember the individual suffering behind the

stories, and ensure that appropriate care is given.

Implications for Development Cooperation: Support national initiatives for psychological rehabilitation. How this is designed depends on country, tradition, history, and culture. However, during and after truth commissions for

example, some sort of psychological support programme for victims, perpetrators, as well as staff is crucial in order to avoid further suffering and

achieve the best circumstances for reconciliation.

Juridical Aspects

The question of how to deal with the atrocities of the past in a country

emerging from internal conflict is critical and enormously complex. Should

there be tribunals to punish perpetrators? Should amnesty be granted in

order to avoid disturbing a fragile peace? Or should a truth commission be

established to ensure that the past will be acknowledged and not repeated,

and dignity restored in victims and survivors? What does the justice versus

stability equation look like and what is best for the process of reconciliation?

Firstly, Rama Mani states that there are three dimensions of justice that

must be taken into account in peace building after internal conflict:

– The rule of law: the apparatus of the justice system must be restored as it

has usually broken down and lost all legitimacy during the war. The rebuilding of the rule of law also “may serve as an indication to combatants and civilians in war-torn societies of a return to security, order, and

stability.”

– Rectificatory justice: addressing the injustice and pain that has been suffered by people during conflict. This is important from three distinct

perspectives: by international law countries are bound to prosecute past

abuses; politically it is needed to establish legitimacy and stabilize peace;

and psychosocially it aids to understand and heal trauma.

– Distributive justice: “addressing the underlying causes of conflict, which

often lie in real or perceived socioeconomic, political or cultural injustice” in order to prevent further violence.

In this process of building a new justice system adhering to the dimensions

above, a country must then also decide in what way it shall deal with the

crimes of the past. This decision is central in the discussion of reconciliation: what kind of justice should be used? There is strong consensus that, as

Professor Daniel Bar-Tal puts it, “justice is indispensable for reconciliation.” Within the literature on reconciliation, there has been much discourse in recent years concerning retributive versus restorative justice.

Retributive justice, also called criminal, procedural, or legalistic justice, focuses on crime as the violation of law. Crime is, one could say, a matter between the perpetrator and the state. Punishment, and suitable compensation to the victim, is decided upon by the criminal justice system, transferring “the individuals’ desire for revenge to the state or official body.” Although being the most commonly seen form of justice in the world today,

retributive justice is a fairly recent idea historically, with roots in the Middle

Ages.

Restorative justice, on the other hand, with variations also referred to as

transitional or reparative justice, focuses on crime as a conflict between individuals as well as on the injuries crime inflicts on all parties: the victim, the

perpetrator and the society. The interest of the justice system is here to reconcile and heal conflictive relationships in order to end the vicious circle of

crime, revenge, and recurring crime. This is done inter alia by official acknowledgment of the past, publicizing the names of perpetrators (seen as a form of

punishment in itself), formalized apologies, and compensation to victims. Restorative justice systems can be traced back several thousands of

years. There are Babylonian and Sumerian Codes from around 2000 BC

with instructions for how conflicting parties should proceed to bring about

the restoration of broken relationships and order in society.

The dilemma for a country in the transition from conflict to peace is to

find a balance between the moral desire for restoration, which inherently

involves compromise regarding justice, and the legal desire for retribution,

which innately carries the risk of silencing the past (as war criminals will

seek to avoid punishment by withholding certain truths). Or, as one scholar

puts it, how to accommodate “individual criminal responsibility and national

reconciliation.”

A budding trend can be seen in countries attempting to deal with a

conflictive past and promote reconciliation, namely the combination of

these two forms of justice. In Rwanda, offences committed during the genocide in 1994 have been graded according to severity. The most severe criminals, such as organizers and leaders of the genocide, are to be tried in the

conventional courts, including the International Criminal Tribunal for

Rwanda. The perpetrators of slightly less serious crimes however will be

tried in traditional community courts, called the gacaca courts. In this way it

is hoped that the involvement of the population in the trials will promote a

process of reconciliation. Similarly, in South Africa the TRC gave amnesty

to those who confessed to having been part of the apartheid rule. The accounts helped paint a picture of the past, and finding the truth was seen as

more important than attempting to achieve legal justice, also considering

the fact that “[f]ull justice is not always possible in a society in transition.”

In East Timor a similar method of blending restorative and retributive justice is being used in the Commission for Reception, Truth and Reconciliation. Restorative justice, including (retributive) prosecution for certain

crimes, holds promise for the future.

Implications for Development Cooperation: Support national initiatives for restorative justice, including for example education and support for the work

in truth commissions and tribunals, securing reparation and compensation

(medical, psychosocial, economical) for those witnessing, educational programmes in trauma and human rights, documentation of testimonies and secret files. Prosecution and punishment of severe crime is also important

for restorative justice. Thus, supporting the retributive justice system, such

as the police, prisons and the formal legal institutions is also of great importance for reconciliation.

LOVE, VALENTINE AND IT'S SIGNIFICANCE BY ISRAEL KASHIM AUDU

 

LOVE, VALENTINE AND IT'S SIGNIFICANCE BY ISRAEL KASHIM AUDU

Sometimes I hear people say Valentine's day is only for the Christians, some go as far as saying it is not in their teaching of faith or believe. In as much as the history of Valentine is linked to a Catholic priest, we should reflect on what he did for humanity and his teaching on love. Going further, what matters about this day is that it reminds us of the need to show love, care, kindness, and bond for our neighbors and for one another, it is to also remember the poor, widows, family members, prisoners, friends, widowers, less- loved, less-privileged, orphans, sick, etc. Knowing that this love must be a continuous one not just on Valentine's day. The significance of this day is not just for christians alone but for all to reflect on. 

 It is not a time to sin with your partner or a time to have sex (for those not married) but to bond and reflect with your partner, see the reason and the need to improve in your love for each other. So many of us don't know the origin of Valentine or Valentine's day now the next paragraph will tell us more.

What is Valentine's Day? St Valentine's Day is an annual festival to celebrate romantic love, friendship, admiration and not just all about sex. Every year on 14 February people celebrate this day by sending messages of love and affection to partners, family and friends. Couples send Valentine's Day cards and flowers and spend special time together to honour their love for each other.

The Early History of Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is named after Saint Valentine, a Catholic priest who lived in Rome in the 3rd Century. There are many stories about St Valentine and over time these stories grew into the legend we know today.

At the time of Valentine's life, many Romans were converting to Christianity, but the Emperor Claudius II was a pagan and created strict laws about what Christians were allowed to do. Claudius believed that Roman soldiers should be completely devoted to Rome and therefore passed a law preventing them from marrying. St Valentine began to marry these soldiers in secret Christian ceremonies and this was the beginning of his reputation for believing in the importance of love.

Eventually, Valentine was found out and jailed for his crimes against Claudius. While imprisoned, Valentine cared for his fellow prisoners and also his jailor's blind daughter. Legend has it that Valentine cured the girl's blindness and that his final act before being executed was to write her a love message signed ‘from your Valentine'. Valentine was executed on 14 February in the year 270.

How did Valentine's Day develop?

It wasn't until more than 200 years later that 14 February was proclaimed St Valentine's Day. By this time Rome had become Christian and the Catholic Church was determined to stamp out any remaining paganism. A pagan fertility ritual was held in February each year and the Pope abolished this festival and proclaimed 14 February Saint Valentine's Day, thus establishing this feast day on the Catholic Calendar of Saints, now even non Catholics celebrate this day even more. Why Valentine will not be mentioned at mass during this year's 2021 Valentine's day is because it falls on a Sunday and Sunday is always a solemnity on it's own. 

The poet Chaucer in the Middle Ages was the first to link St Valentine with romantic love. This was the beginning of the tradition of courtly love, a ritual of expressing love and admiration, usually in secret. This custom spread throughout Europe and stories grew about a High Court of Love where female judges would rule on issues related to love on 14 February each year. Historians believe that these meetings were in fact gatherings where people read love poetry and played games of flirtation.

Valentine unique gift idea

Visitation: As for me this should be one of the best valentine gift to give to someone who is lonely and afflicted, the reason why visitation should be on a priority is that it shows the person whom your visiting that someone out there still remembers them, visiting is a kind of remembrance. Though this may sound or look so simple but its effect is a long lasting one.

Encouragement: Another valentine gift idea is encouragement, when you pay a visit don’t just visit them and go back, try as much as you can to encourage the ones you have visited, make them feel they are loved and tell them that all hope is not lost at least at this season of love there are people who he/she may be better than but in all life continues.

Outing: This should be upon request, take them to a place that would make them feel belonged. Treat them with love and kindness, make every moment they spent outing a memorable one which they would not forget in a hurry. There are so many places that one can have fun especially during this valentine season, just go through your local listing and pick a place you think would be suitable for the person involved. While doing this please stay safe. 

Valentine's Day Symbols;

The practice of sending love messages developed into people sending special cards expressing their affection and using the colour red for most activities on this day. These cards were beautiful creations handmade by the sender and individually designed to show how much they loved the recipient. Cards would usually contain sentimental verse, proclaiming the beauty of the receiver and how much they were loved.

Saint Valentine's Day cards were decorated with pictures of cupid, hearts and flowers and trimmed with lace and ribbon. These images are still used today to symbolise love and are recognised all over the world.

What is Valentine's Day in Contemporary Times?

While Valentine's Day is celebrated in most countries, different cultures have developed their own traditions for this festival. In some parts of the world Valentine's Day is observed as a day for expressing love between family members and friends, rather than that of romantic couples. Some traditions include leaving lollies and gifts for children and others include acts of appreciation between friends.

Valentine's Day is most commonly associated with romantic love, with millions of Valentine's Day cards being exchanged each year. Gifts of flowers or a single red rose are sent with romantic messages to loved ones and couples spend special time together. 

Many couples choose to celebrate Valentine's Day with dinner, a picnic or special home-cooked meal. Many restaurants offer Valentine's Day dinner promotions and food is often presented with symbols of love like hearts and flowers. Another popular Valentine's Day activity is to indulge in a luxury hotel stay in a beautiful location, allowing a couple to get away from it all and enjoy some quality time together. Marriage proposals are also popular on Valentine's Day, and it is often chosen as the perfect day to express their love and commitment. Some marriage proposals are delivered very creatively, such as after climbing to the top of a mountain, or posting a message on a billboard. Whatever the method, marriage proposals made on Valentine's Day are generally romantic and memorable. 

Finally, For those who lack love may you find love and be loved today, for married couples may the bond be an everlasting one and for those yet to marry may you find the right one for you, for broken marriages, relationships, or broken love may restoration take place today. Amen! 

Make that call and put a smile on someone's face today.

Happy Valentine's day!!!

CONTROLLING THE EVIL OF ANGER IN MARRIAGE BY ISRAEL KASHIM AUDU

 CONTROLLING THE EVIL OF ANGER IN MARRIAGES BY ISRAEL KASHIM AUDU (FRIAR) 

 Anger is a normal emotion. It stems from feeling hurt, anxious, shame, or powerlessness. Although it’s a natural emotion, it is often seen as a problem, even evil, bad, or wrong. However, it’s important to remember that feeling anger is an internal experience.  How anger is expressed is an external issue that can affect others, including those who are close to us and who we love the most. Without control, anger can destroy our closest relationships. Sometimes financial crises, expectations, disagreement, infidelity, lack of trust and love. Etc influences problem in marriages.

Holding in Anger vs Lashing Out

Of course, some people never express anger at all and hold it in. It’s a short-term strategy that doesn’t work for very long. That’s because, when someone holds in all their emotion and doesn’t express it appropriately, it will eventually bubble up and turn into “last straw” experiences. Then, it is explosively and inappropriately let out. Sometimes those who’ve experienced an angry or abusive parent can follow this ineffective approach. As a child, one who learned to keep their anger inside in order to avoid the wrath of that parent. Of course, this can lead to a host of problems as an adult that are just as serious. The key to remember in both cases is that there are productive and destructive ways to express anger and all negative emotions.

Helping vs. Hurting Relationships

When we attack or yell at our partner constantly we are slowly destroying our relationship. No one likes being attacked, physically or verbally. Using anger as a way of attacking our partner only leads to them feeling:

Less physically and emotionally safe.

More reluctant to be vulnerable and open.

Less likely to trust their partner.

However, when we express anger productively without attacking our partner, those emotions can actually contribute to having a productive dialogue. 

Research into Anger and Relationships

The Gottman Institute in Seattle, WA has done research on the topic of anger and relationships. They investigated what happens when couples get really worked up and angry with each other.

They discovered when you are angry enough- which they define as emotion that causes your heart rate to rise above 100 beats per minute –   (they refer to this as being emotionally flooded) – you cannot process information effectively. Being emotionally flooded means you become so overwhelmed with your feelings that you simply can’t process everything around you. You become less able to look at things objectively and make good decisions. I tell couples that when you are emotionally flooded you can easily express (usually yell) your side of the argument, but you can’t understand them. It’s as if they are speaking a foreign language.  

When this happens there is that breakdown in communication that damages or destroys relationships. Yet there are ways that couples can calm down and self-soothe to ensure their anger doesn’t become destructive.

Ideas to Avoid Uncontrolled Anger

Couples who struggle with anger have several options available to keep things under control. These include:

Rescheduling the argument for another time. Being specific when picking out a day or time.  The sooner the better, if possible.

Learn to be more mindful and aware of your emotional state.

If you get too upset, don’t continue. Go back to step 1 and reschedule! Keep things from getting too heated. Otherwise, it becomes impossible to take back things you regret saying or doing.

Learn self-management and emotional soothing strategies. Besides mindfulness, learn relaxation techniques, listening skills, and being able to see things from the other person’s perspective.

If you or your partner is still struggling with anger that negatively impacts your relationship, then you need to see a therapist and possibly participate in an anger management program.

Although anger is a natural, human emotion, it can be the source of a lot of pain and anguish in relationships. All too often anger when left unchecked leads to hurt feelings, a lack of understanding, and in the worst cases physical and emotional harm. Yet, it doesn’t have to be that way!

By learning some simple coping strategies combined with therapy, couples can experience anger without having to act on those rage-filled feelings. This means less destructive relationships and better communication between partners.

In conclusion,

When we give ourselves over to fully venting our anger, we expose ourselves to thinking, speaking, and acting in quite a foolish manner. Instead, take a timeout. Breathe. As soon as you become aware of your anger, take some intentional steps to slow down and stay engaged with your spouse in a way that promotes the successful conflict resolution.

The urge to get payback for wrongs committed against us can feel quite natural. It is difficult to drop the charges and allow the perpetrator to go free. When it comes to conflict resolution in marriage, however, God’s people are encouraged to let go of the impulse for revenge and to turn the conflict over to God.

Allow God to work on your spouse’s heart and allow Him to fight on your behalf. Often it is our woundedness that is driving our conflict with each other. God works at the level of the heart and only He can bring about the conflict resolution and healing that many of us (and our spouses) really need. Accentuate the positive and alleviate the negative, The reality is that our behavior is not dependent on the behavior of someone else. When things get tense between you and your spouse, you have the freedom to choose your own response. You can choose to repay meanness with kindness and rudeness with gentleness. Unless you see a sign of life and death or it is in your marriage then take a break (not divorce) and if not it can be managed.

Making allowance for human imperfections is the foundation for the conflict resolution and intimacy your relationship needs in order to thrive. When someone knows about our flaws and warts, then they really know us, and they can really love us. Sharing and accepting our faults is the foundation of love.

Are you concerned about resolving conflict in your own relationship? Have you been wrestling with tension over harmful, frustrating, or even toxic patterns of conflict with your partner?

If you (or your partner) are experiencing some frustration or confusion over this issue, God's help and counseling is a great place to begin to sort that out. Find a good counselor today as you seek to learn more about conflict resolution in marriage. Sometimes I hear people say I don't want to go to any pastor, priest, counselor or anybody for help I will do what is on my mind. Today I will tell you NO. You need God, a "good" counselor/therapist, a "good" religious leader when your marriage is in crises and uncontrollable. All you need is just to learn to control your anger and reactions to issues and get good counselors and avoid the bad ones.

Change is possible. With the help of God, a good counselor, you (and your spouse) can begin to find the solutions you are seeking and not friends not even a third party.

FOUNDER OF KADIFF ISRAEL KASHIM AUDU CONGRATULATE BISHOP KUKAH ON APPOINTMENT BY HIS HOLINESS POPE FRANCIS

 

FOUNDER OF KADIFF ISRAEL KASHIM AUDU CONGRATULATE BISHOP KUKAH ON APPOINTMENT BY HIS HOLINESS POPE FRANCIS

It's indeed good new to hear your appointment as a Member of the Dicastery for the Promotion of Human Integral Development across the world.

As you join other members of the Dicastery drawn from different regions of the world to advise and promote the holy Father’s concerns on issues of justice and peace, human rights, torture, human trafficking, care of creation and other issues related to the promotion of human dignity and development, it is my prayer that the Almighty God will continue to be with you on this great task ahead of you. 

Each and everyone one of us have the responsibility to make the world a better place while I also use the Kaduna international film festival to impact lives and make the society a better place in unity and love through culture in diversity it is my hope and joy that your new appointment will make a change and make the world know peace, love and unity.

Once again congratulations my Lord. 

FINDING PURPOSE BY ISRAEL KASHIM AUDU

 

FINDING PURPOSE BY ISRAEL KASHIM AUDU 

Some mornings, you may feel that there’s something deeper you could be a part of. You feel the pull towards something, but you can’t exactly pin it down—it eludes you and frustrates you. You’re not really sure how to find purpose in life.

You might have heard stories from writers or musicians who have felt their calling their entire lives; the Mozarts of the world who have pursued their passions from the moment they were out of the womb. Deep down you wish you had this “knowing” to pull you forward.

Frankly, you do: all it takes is a little digging to uncover the truth.

Think of uncovering your passion like the work of a master sculptor, slowly chipping away the stone to reveal the masterpiece underneath. Your life’s purpose is this masterpiece, simply lurking beneath the surface, waiting to be released.

The fastest way to learn how to find purpose in life is through the art of introspection: diving into the deeper essence of who you are to pull out the pieces to assemble the purpose puzzle.

Think of your life’s purpose as a golden thread; for some, that thread comes in the form of a certain career or profession, while for others it looks like a way of being or expression.

Let’s use the analogy of an epic quest across the ocean to take you on your journey of finding purpose in life:

Why Do You Want This?

Ultimately you’re trying to improve your life and live with meaning. You want more zest, more flavor, more fullness. In the strictest sense, you want to become a better person. You want to wake up in the morning excited, jumping out of bed with a thirst for life that you haven’t felt since you were a child.

Your purpose can be the driving force behind this. If you feel lost, your sense of purpose can be your connection to something larger, something that will allow you to truly make a difference.

Still, your “why” might be different. Before we even leave solid ground, you need this as your anchor, just in case things get a little foggy. To find it, just answer this question:

Why do you want to find your purpose in life?

Write down or remember whatever comes up. It might be some of the above reasons, or it might be something entirely different. Whatever it is, hold it close.

The Tools for Your Journey

Before any great adventure, you want to make sure your tools and supplies are in working order. For this quest the tools are simple: You’ll need a pen and piece of paper, a working memory, and the drive to uncover what you set out to find. That’s it—you’re ready to set off.

Before we go, there are a few things you’ll need to embrace beforehand. Think of these items as the underlying code of conduct for your journey.

I welcome the hard work and tiresome effort it will take to unearth my life’s great work.

I know my purpose might not be directly obvious, but I will put in the time to find it.

I believe finding my purpose is entirely possible.

I know that finding my life’s purpose may lead to some drastic (positive) changes.

I know that finding my life’s purpose will leave me with the power to shape my own destiny.

Once you’ve let the above affirmations settle, you’re ready to free your ship from the dock and set sail. Your tools are sharpened, and your mind is prepped: congratulations! You’ve come farther than most people ever do.

Slaying the Inner Dragons

When you first set sail into uncharted waters, there will be an initial resistance, a pervading fear of the unknown[1]. If you feel this, great: you’re human.

The first dragon you might face will likely be your internal beliefs. They might try to stop you in your tracks or tell you you’re crazy for trying to find your purpose in the first place. They might say harsh things, like “you don’t deserve to have a purpose” or “you’ll never find what you’re looking for.”

What you have to know is that this inner dialogue isn’t true. it’s more afraid than you are. Its main goal is to keep you comfortable.

To combat your inner dialogue, you have to first realize it’s happening. When you start to actually pay attention to the thoughts as they’re spiraling, they lose their power. They get their evil force by operating below the surface, so when you shine a spotlight of awareness upon them, they lose their control over you.

Once you’re familiar with these inner dragons, it will be easier to slay them.

Next, you have to swing your sword of action.

Try this on for size: When you’ve come across a belief that is threatening to stop your journey, take a breath and look it square in the eye, then act anyway. You’ll know what actions to take after the next section, so hold tight.

This will teach you to develop your courage muscle, and its heart-centered courage will give you something to lean on throughout your uncertain quest. This will ultimately improve your mental health overall.

Questions for the Great Dig

Now that you know why you’re doing this and how to overcome any hurdle, you’re ready for the turbulent seas. Your preparation is done, the shore is now out of sight. All that remains is you and the seas of your soul.

Now, get ready to dive deep. Keep in mind that we’re going to analyze common threads in your life and the deep desires you currently have to give you a one-two punch when learning how to find purpose in life.

Step 1: The Soul-Baring Questions

If you had all the money in the world, how would you spend your time?

What would your perfect day look like? Describe every detail.

What activities set your soul on fire?

What do you love to do?

These should be enough to get you going. Don’t be afraid to dive deep with these questions, and write down whatever comes to mind.

Make sure you create some space to ponder these questions. Nothing is too outlandish, so do your best to turn off your mental filter. The best answers will come when you can turn off your self-judgement.

Once you have these answers in hand, we’re going to take a little stroll back into your memory to dig up some more answers and learn how to find purpose in life.

When you’re a child, your life experience is more freeing, playful, and alive. Your whims direct your life, and you’re more plugged in to a deeper current. At this stage in your life, the outside world hasn’t shaped your dreams yet. You have direct access to your passions and purpose.

We all had things we loved to do as kids but ended up giving them up for the sake of practicality. What we’re going to do here is take a stroll through your memory banks and try to gain some glimpses of this childhood wisdom.

Step 2: Connect with Your Inner Child

What brought you immense joy as a kid?

What were you doing when you lost track of time?

What did your parents have to drag you away from?

What did you love deep down before the world told you to get practical?

Once again, keep your mind in an open place. If you’re having trouble, it may help to look at a picture of yourself when you were younger, or grab an old stuffed animal or other item that sends you back into the memory banks.

Weaving Your Golden Thread

Now that you’ve braved the epic seas, the other shoreline is in sight. The last stretch of the journey is to string all the bits of randomness together and find the common themes. The digging is done, great work.

Your job now is to take a hard look at all your answers and see if you can pull out any common ideas that are in both lists.

Maybe you’ve wanted to be a writer since you were a child, and committing words to a page every day really sets your soul on fire. There’s a good chance that writing may be involved in your life’s purpose.

Maybe you’ve always been fascinated by the stars and the cosmos, and you’ve always had a deep connection to spending time outdoors. You could combine this into an excursion where you lead groups of people into the wild to stargaze and contemplate their place in the universe.

Let your creativity reign, and don’t fret if you can’t make a connection right away. Sometimes, it helps to sleep on it and let your subconscious work on the solution for you.

If you’ve done the work, then you’re on your way to finding your life’s purpose. When it’s there, you’ll feel it deep down in your bones.

Your first step is to change how you approach this new chapter of life. "Instead of focusing on what defined you before, look at who you are now, where your interests lie, and where you may find the greatest sense of accomplishment," says Silverstone.

This can be tough, especially if you have health issues that make you less active or face financial stress like living on a fixed income, either of which can make you feel powerless. To overcome such barriers, work on your mental outlook. For example:

Embrace acceptance. The emotional struggle of being a different person now is real, so don't brush it aside. "It's normal to feel anger, loss, anxiety, or fear about having to adjust to changes in one's life," says Silverstone. "Give yourself permission to have these feelings without judging yourself. This will help you become more at ease with who you are now, so you can approach your new purpose in life with greater motivation and confidence."

If you struggle with negative feelings, practice replacing defeating thoughts with positive mantras, adds Silverstone. "When negative thinking arises, repeat a phrase to yourself like, 'I've been through changes in life before and survived them, so I can handle these changes, too.'"

Be flexible. Don't try to force something that is no longer a good fit, no matter how it makes you feel. For instance, Silverstone once counseled a retired physician who wanted to stay in medicine, but was overwhelmed with the new technology and felt obsolete. "But medicine still gave him a strong sense of purpose and a way he could still contribute," says Silverstone.

The solution was to become a mentor and assist with physical therapy practices, which were less daunting. "Don't give up if your chosen path is not always clear," says Silverstone. "There are often many entry points, and you may have to try several times before you find the right one."

The One Step to Finding Your Purpose

It’s simply this: learn to get outside your personal bubble.

Your personal bubble is the small world you live in (we all have one), where you are the center of the universe. You are concerned with your wellbeing, with not wanting to look bad, with succeeding in life, with your personal pleasure (good food, good music. etc.).

This is the bubble we all live in most of the time, and people who say they don’t are trying to prove something.

When someone tells you you look fat, this only hurts because you’re in your personal bubble. You take that statement (a colleague who says you look fat) and believe that it’s about you, and feel the pain or embarrassment of how the statement affects you. It matters a lot, because in your bubble, what matters most is how everything affects you personally.

I’m the same way, and so is everyone else.

Some other problems caused by this personal bubble:

In our bubble, we’re concerned with our pleasure and comfort, and try not to be uncomfortable. This is why we don’t exercise, why we don’t only eat healthy food.

This fear of being uncomfortable is also why we get anxious at the thought of meeting strangers. It hampers our social lives, our love lives.

Because we don’t want to look bad, we are afraid of failing. So we don’t tackle tough things.

We procrastinate because of this fear of failing, this fear of discomfort.

When someone does or says something, we relate that event with how it affect us, and this can cause anger or pain or irritation.

We expect people to try to give us what we want, and when they don’t, we get frustrated or angry.

Actually, pretty much all our problems are caused by this bubble.

Including the difficulty in finding our life purpose. But more on that in a minute — I ask for your patience here, because this is important.

What Happens When We Get Out of the Bubble

If we can learn to get outside this personal bubble, and see things from a less self-centered approach, we can see some amazing things:

When someone says or does something, it’s not really about us — it’s about pain or fear or confusion they’re feeling, or a desire they have. Not us.

When we have an urge for temporary pleasure (TV, social media, junk food, porn), we can see that this urge is a simple passing physical sensation, and not the center of the universe.

We can start to see that our personal desires are actually pretty trivial, and that there’s more to life than trying to meet our pleasures and shy from our discomfort. There’s more than our little fears. Including: the pain and suffering of other people, and compassion for them. Compassion for all living beings. Wanting to make the world better.

We can tie our daily actions, like learning about how our minds and bodies and habits work, or getting healthy, or creating something, not only to our personal satisfaction and success (trivial things) but to how they help others, how they make the lives of others better, how they might lessen the suffering of others.

We become less self-centered, and begin to have a wider view. Everything changes, from letting go of fear and anger and procrastination, to changing our habits and finding work that matters.

How does this relate to finding our life purpose? Let’s explore that.

The Wider View, and Our Life Purpose

Once we get out of the bubble, and see things with a wider view, we can start a journey along a path like this:

We can start to see the needs of others, and feel for their suffering.

We then work to make their lives better, and lessen their suffering.

Even if we aren’t good at that, we can learn skills that help us to be better at it. It’s the intention that matters.

As we go about our daily work, we can tie our actions to this greater purpose. Learning to program or become healthy (for example) isn’t just for our betterment, but for the betterment of others, even in a small way. This gives us motivation on a moment-to-moment basis. When we lose motivation, we need to get back out of our bubble, shed our concern for our discomfort and fears, and tie ourselves to a bigger purpose.

In this path, it doesn’t matter what specific actions you take or skills you learn to make people’s lives better. What career you choose is not important — what matters is the bigger purpose. You can always change your career and learn new skills later, as you learn other ways to fulfill this purpose. You’ll learn over time.

What matters is becoming bigger than yourself. Once you do, you learn that you have a purpose in life.

How to Get Out of the Bubble

Sounds great, but getting outside this personal bubble isn’t as easy as just saying, “Let it be so.” It takes work.

First, you must see when you’re stuck in the bubble. Whenever you’re angry, frustrated, irritated, fearful, anxious, procrastinating, feeling hurt, wishing people would be different. You’re in the bubble. These are signs. You are at the center of your universe, and everything is relating to you and your feelings. When you can’t stick to habits, or have a hard time with a diet, you’re in the bubble. Your momentary pleasure is what matters in this bubble. Outside the bubble, they’re just little events (sensations of desire, urges) that can be let go of.

Second, when you notice that you’re in the bubble, expand your mind and heart. See the bigger picture. Feel what others must be feeling. Try to understand rather than condemning. See how little and petty your concerns and fears have been. Realize that if others treat you badly, it’s not about you, but about their suffering.

Third, wish others well. Genuinely want their happiness, just as you want your own happiness. See their suffering and wish for it to end or lessen.

Fourth, see how you can help. How can you lessen the suffering of others? Sometimes it’s just by paying attention, just listening. Other times you just need to be there, just lend a hand. You don’t need to go around solving everyone’s problems — they probably don’t want that. Just be there for them. And see if you can make people’s lives better — create something to make them smile. Make one little part of their world — a cup of tea, an article of clothing you’ve sewn — be a little space of goodness.

Repeat this process multiple times a day, and you’ll get better at it.

You’ll learn to be bigger than yourself. You’ll learn that the life we’ve been given is a gift, and we must make the most of it, and not waste a second. You’ll learn that there is nothing more fulfilling than making the lives of others a little better.